"Being naked is the same as being clothed, because I'm really just expecting people to accept me no matter what."


When I was 17 there was a woefully inaccurate rumour that I had a bullet-shaped penis. Kyle Secours straight up lied about seeing me naked in the change room and told Elizabeth Warner that my penis looked like a sniper rifle bullet. Jessie told Sarah MacDonald, and the two of them tittered about it for weeks. Jessie later let it slip in the cafetorium to Matt Andaloro and Kyle Grant that my dick looked like gun barf. Ignoring my frequent and exasperated denials, as best friends are want to do, Matt and Kyle adopted this outrageous lie and held the shape of my penis against me. This was when the Magic Bullet's popularity was at it's peak. We couldn't get anything done. It all came to a head one day at lunch, when in a moment of desperation, I showed Matt and Dan Thagard the truth. With one hand covering Jeremy Hurst's innocent eyes, Matt stared and jokingly, loudly confirmed that my schvantz did indeed look like a bullet. We laughed about it. (Hemingway punch him in the mouth.)


But I wasn't nervous about being naked in front of Matt. To this day, being naked in front of people is no big whoop. I have the luxury of not worrying about my body that much, not what it looks like or how it moves. It's there. It's fine. Whatever. I don't care.


Maybe it'd be nice to be more aware of my body, more in touch with what it says or what it can do. As it is, I don't pay much attention to it. Being naked is the same as being clothed, because I'm really just expecting people to accept me no matter what. When I'm naked in front of someone, I find I focus almost completely on them. I'm so over my body. I want to know what theirs is all about.


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